I find that one of the hardest things to do is write about me. To write about me means that I need to actually think about me, to process what I do, who I am and where God has me. My initial desire is to fill the lines with such a pretty picture of what I would love you to have of me, but the truth is it’s not pretty, it’s messy. However Jesus loves this insecure, sinful, beautiful mess that I am and I can’t be more thankful for showing me His perfection.
If you couldn’t already tell, all throughout my life I have struggled with self-image. I grew up knowing who Jesus was and at the age of six accepted Him into my heart. I knew Jesus loved me from what I was told but always felt it had to be Christ and___________. That AND is where my relationship with Jesus and self always collided. Unattainable expectations, crippling fears, unhealthy view of self, and a truly unreal view of who Christ was filled my heart. Yet I knew that He was stirring in my heart for something greater than these feelings.
I learned over time to put on a great façade of confidence, yet every time I would walk into a room my mind would be racing with ideas of what others were thinking about me or even what I thought they were saying about me. These thoughts and feelings became so crippling that I would either not participate in life or fill my life with things and surface relationships so I wouldn’t have time to think or feel. Yet every time I would look in the mirror or sit in the quiet, those thoughts of I am not good enough came flooding back.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started seeing myself through the eyes of God, not my own or other’s. These images and encounters came in all forms and through the most unlikely people. I still struggle immensely with how I view myself but I am thankful that God has shown me that I possess something greater than myself, HIM. That when I look in the mirror or walk into a room, the confidence is not in myself, but who Christ is within me and who He has made me to be. This journey of learning that Christ and Christ alone is enough is one that I will be on for the rest of my life. But I am so thankful for His grace and mercy to hold my hand and His Word to guide me through.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6