Most people don’t like to talk about death. It’s a hard reality for us to face. Even so, this theme is discussed all throughout scripture. Jesus himself presents a paradox about death and life in Matthew 10:39, “Whoever finds heir life will lose it, and whoever loses their life, for my sake will find it.” Dying is living, living is dying. In saying this, Jesus wasn’t just preparing His disciples for His eminent death on a cross; He was also preparing them for the persecution and suffering they would endure.
Here I am in Sacramento. Andrew and I have just moved here. I am calling this our adventure. But inside I am totally losing it.
I have no idea who I am and what I’m doing. I’m a few months away from turning 30 and this is the biggest move I’ve ever made. What is most pathetic is I don’t even have to switch highways to get back to my hometown.
Two and a half hours feels like another world and I’m not sure I want another world. Dying in the place you were born without ever living somewhere else seems a little depressing—especially if that place is Fresno. But still, this wasn’t my plan and worse yet, I actually have no plan for this new adventure.
So I do what I normally do: I overeat, watch too many episodes of something, and then I get in the bath with a new book.
“Almost everyone had at one time or another been exposed to the world as being flawed, and human. And that it was good, for the development of character and empathy, for the growth of the spirit. Periods in the wilderness or desert were not lost time. You might find life, wildflowers, fossils, sources of water.”
I can’t seem to remember the “important” things. I don’t understand all the prophecies and I can’t make a five point outline of the book of the Bible I am reading without help from someone or another book. I don’t have my Masters in anything. I just drink coffee and listen to people’s Jesus journeys. I just quote what He says in His Word. I just make cupcakes and clean house while praying for the needs of this world. As I was processing my “inadequacies” and realizing my negative self talk, the Spirit brought this passage to mind…
This is the blog post I never wanted to write and the words I never wanted to say.
Probably the biggest lie I have had to wrestle to the ground these past few years is that my infertility is a punishment.
For my past.
For my sin.
Now I would never say this out loud, nor would I let any of you. But I think it all of the time.
And there are days, those hard, dark, painful days that I actually believe it.
Because I know my past, I know the depths of my sin, and I know how far I was from the LORD.
I also know there is a kind of suffering that is unexplainable, and so you start reaching for explanations.
Last month my family and I celebrated Kade’s 6th glory day. Six years of beholding glory unexplainable, peace beyond understanding, joy beyond measure. I love imagining my boy in the presence of the Lord, his little voice singing hosanna at the top of His lungs, his hands lifted high in praise, his eyes reflecting the…
I rolled over and found myself staring at the clock, tears streaming down my face. It was happening again. The numbers read 2 AM and I was terrified. Terrified that my daughter would never be able to battle through her addiction, terrified that I would never sleep again, terrified that she would be lost to…
“I am so glad I live in a world with Octobers”
~Anne of Green Gables
This quote hangs in my home on a piece of tattered wood, a picture of a beautiful baby boy in the corner, his deep blue eyes a perfect match to his little denim jacket, his stalky frame and chunky cheeks, proof of his hearty appetite. This gift from my dearest friend is a treasure, which now captures that which my heart longs to communicate. She created it for me because she understands the emotion that swirls around in my heart this time of year. She understands because she was there that day.