But the reality was that I did have emotions, and I was ashamed at what my emotions would tell me about myself.
At nineteen years of age, I decided to come to terms with a dark past that had kept me burdened for almost 10 years. While I was ready to begin the healing process of the abuse that had occurred for the majority of my childhood, I wasn’t prepared for the time or the means it would take to get me there.
This story is for every person who dares to transform. For every person who understands that the first step is at the feet of our loving Father in heaven. To those who understand that we come just as we are, in need of His perfect love and forgiveness.
This is the blog post I never wanted to write and the words I never wanted to say.
Probably the biggest lie I have had to wrestle to the ground these past few years is that my infertility is a punishment.
For my past.
For my sin.
Now I would never say this out loud, nor would I let any of you. But I think it all of the time.
And there are days, those hard, dark, painful days that I actually believe it.
Because I know my past, I know the depths of my sin, and I know how far I was from the LORD.
I also know there is a kind of suffering that is unexplainable, and so you start reaching for explanations.
“I hate you!” “I wish you were dead!” “You’re stupid!” “You’re worthless!” “I want a divorce!” “I wish we never had you!” “I wish you weren’t my parents!” Have you ever uttered any of these statements? If we’re honest, at one moment or another we have all spoken hurtful and hateful words. Yet, typically,…
Last month my family and I celebrated Kade’s 6th glory day. Six years of beholding glory unexplainable, peace beyond understanding, joy beyond measure. I love imagining my boy in the presence of the Lord, his little voice singing hosanna at the top of His lungs, his hands lifted high in praise, his eyes reflecting the…
Hopelessness fills this teenage soul. Did I really just hit my mom and cuss her out with a door slam finale…again? The angst and shame feel, gives way to bitter tears. I hate that I burst out in anger! I try to obey, I really do and just can’t! I will never change. I can’t…